The internet has ruined Christmas
I received an email from my wife today with the subject line
“Gift idea…wallet” which made me realize that this holiday season is really
going to happen whether I embrace it or not. I glossed over the actual message that included a few
sentences about wallets and a website link. Then my man-brain kicked in and automatically translated the
email. It said, “Mark, for a happy wife buy this.”
In a household with a joint spending account, gift giving
has little monetary relevance.
Meaning, I can’t rely on a hefty price tag to trick my wife in to
thinking I am so sweet for working so hard to get her such a fancy gift when
she is essentially paying for it too. It has to be the thought that counts but
now even she won’t trust me to put thought in it and is essentially saying,
“For Christmas, can you give me the five minutes it takes to fill out this
online form?” Done.
Even the suggestions I get for various kids on my gift-giving
list are things like iTunes gift cards or, much worse, Visa gift cards. You mean I can’t even give cash
anymore? Of course, not, because you can’t spend cash on the Internet. But you can spend BitCoins. Bitcoins are the fairly new digital
currency fabricated during halftime of an epic Dungeons and Dragons bout and is
pretty much only accepted in the extreme tech world. So you like doing your own shopping online, eh? Well, here
you go Ruby Sue, 2 bitcoins so you can by a core processor or an hour worth of
a virtual assistant’s time. When the young ones ask for such specific things as
Visa gift cards and in effect say, ”I’ll do my own shopping cause you suck at
it”, I like to make a point to buy them something that would have been cool if
they were 3 years younger just to make them squirm and feign enthusiasm in front
of the whole family so as not to show the disappointment. Nothing brightens my holidays more than
a youngster very poorly thanking his elder for a crappy gift. I know because I used to be the
youngster.
“Hey alright! It’s a…magic set? Hey thanks. You
know what? I was just telling my friends, you know the 10th graders
I hang out with in High School because that’s what grade I’m in, that there
just isn’t enough magic in my life. Thanks a whole bunch, Uncle Eddy.”
I’m the first one to admit that it is hard to tell people
what you want as a present. If
Emily would have vaguely hinted that she wanted a wallet I would have royally
screwed it up and got something with the “wrong kind of pockets” or too short
of tassels. I also don’t
really want anything so in contradictory fashion can understand relying on the
tried and true visa card. I’m 30
years old and am lucky enough to have had impeccable fashion sense 6 years ago,
so new clothes are automatically out of the question for a gift. What’s left after that for a 30 year
old? Laser pointer? Deodorant?
Just as I am about to swear off gift giving all together
since the Internet has clearly made it an impersonal funds exchange my wife
asks me what I think we should get our daughter for her first Christmas. Not her actual first Christmas but
first one with a real fear of Santa and undying love of pictures of
kitties. My first instincts are to
wrap up all the empty boxes and discarded packaging from the “presents” she
gets throughout the year and let her go to town. But even at this young age of hers she has the ability to
turn on the charm and help me see Christmas through a kid’s eyes and I can’t
help but want to spend five minutes filling out whatever online form she wants.