I received an email from my wife today with the subject line
“Gift idea…wallet” which made me realize that this holiday season is really
going to happen whether I embrace it or not. I glossed over the actual message that included a few
sentences about wallets and a website link. Then my man-brain kicked in and automatically translated the
email. It said, “Mark, for a happy wife buy this.”
In a household with a joint spending account, gift giving
has little monetary relevance.
Meaning, I can’t rely on a hefty price tag to trick my wife in to
thinking I am so sweet for working so hard to get her such a fancy gift when
she is essentially paying for it too. It has to be the thought that counts but
now even she won’t trust me to put thought in it and is essentially saying,
“For Christmas, can you give me the five minutes it takes to fill out this
online form?” Done.
Even the suggestions I get for various kids on my gift-giving
list are things like iTunes gift cards or, much worse, Visa gift cards. You mean I can’t even give cash
anymore? Of course, not, because you can’t spend cash on the Internet. But you can spend BitCoins. Bitcoins are the fairly new digital
currency fabricated during halftime of an epic Dungeons and Dragons bout and is
pretty much only accepted in the extreme tech world. So you like doing your own shopping online, eh? Well, here
you go Ruby Sue, 2 bitcoins so you can by a core processor or an hour worth of
a virtual assistant’s time. When the young ones ask for such specific things as
Visa gift cards and in effect say, ”I’ll do my own shopping cause you suck at
it”, I like to make a point to buy them something that would have been cool if
they were 3 years younger just to make them squirm and feign enthusiasm in front
of the whole family so as not to show the disappointment. Nothing brightens my holidays more than
a youngster very poorly thanking his elder for a crappy gift. I know because I used to be the
youngster.
“Hey alright! It’s a…magic set? Hey thanks. You
know what? I was just telling my friends, you know the 10th graders
I hang out with in High School because that’s what grade I’m in, that there
just isn’t enough magic in my life. Thanks a whole bunch, Uncle Eddy.”
I’m the first one to admit that it is hard to tell people
what you want as a present. If
Emily would have vaguely hinted that she wanted a wallet I would have royally
screwed it up and got something with the “wrong kind of pockets” or too short
of tassels. I also don’t
really want anything so in contradictory fashion can understand relying on the
tried and true visa card. I’m 30
years old and am lucky enough to have had impeccable fashion sense 6 years ago,
so new clothes are automatically out of the question for a gift. What’s left after that for a 30 year
old? Laser pointer? Deodorant?
Just as I am about to swear off gift giving all together
since the Internet has clearly made it an impersonal funds exchange my wife
asks me what I think we should get our daughter for her first Christmas. Not her actual first Christmas but
first one with a real fear of Santa and undying love of pictures of
kitties. My first instincts are to
wrap up all the empty boxes and discarded packaging from the “presents” she
gets throughout the year and let her go to town. But even at this young age of hers she has the ability to
turn on the charm and help me see Christmas through a kid’s eyes and I can’t
help but want to spend five minutes filling out whatever online form she wants.
These VHS movies were left in our break room free for anyone to snatch up. Usually people will donate good books they have just read for anyone that would like them but now apparently someone has decided to part ways with their cherished VHS copies of Braveheart and Grumpier Old Men. It's as if someone said. "I'm feeling charitable this holiday season, but I am NOT giving up Grumpy Old Men! They can have the sequel but that's as far as I'll go." So, if anyone still has a VCR, your Saturday is set!
Everywhere I go there are always a handful of people that come
up to me to ask how I keep such a manly physique.
“Geez! Do you ever
leave the gym?!” They exclaim.
I always feel bad when I have to tell them I have just always
had these giant muscles and I actually loathe working out.
Maybe that is a little too embellishing. I should have said, “I have just always
had these giant muscles and I actually don’t
enjoy working out.”
Ok, so maybe I can’t bench press as much weight as I would like
to think I could. I just haven’t
found a compelling reason to work on this personal deficiency. I can bench press my one-year-old
daughter and she gets a kick out of it so that’s good enough for me. It’s not like there are big bench-pressing
tournaments coming through town on a weekly basis or contests to prove which
over muscle-bound guy can scratch his neck first.
These contests must exist though as I saw several people honing
the craft when I toured a gym a while back to see if I wanted to join.
As much as I don’t enjoy working out, working out in a public
gym was twice as bad for me. But
it was after one of those winters where you realize what happens when you go
from bed to work, work to couch, and couch to bed all without seeing the sun
for 4 straight months so I thought I would give it a shot.
My first gym experience wasn’t as dreadful as I envisioned. I was worried that there would be a lot
of staring and judging. But I soon
realized that in order to be stared upon the gym regulars would have to take
their eyes off the mirror first.
I had a moderately pleasant workout save for the 2 people
telling me how I was doing something wrong on a machine. My muscles were clearly getting
fatigued so I know I was doing something right. Or at least right enough. The last thing you want to hear when you are working on a
hernia is how to tweak your posture for more gains. I feel sorry for the next gym rat that tries to tell me how
to do my personal workout because that guy will find himself in the throws of a
long emotional conversation.
I was still debating joining the gym when I was packing my
things up that day and noticed a guy using the public hairdryer in a manner
that I don’t think the manufacturers had in mind. Use your imagination.
At that scarring moment I swore off joining a gym indefinitely. I’m not sure why I even thought I
was right for a gym membership when there is free ground all around me and I
hardly even use that to exercise.
So, alas, I have resorted to keeping the ship upright by trying
all kinds of different diets. This
is more so I don’t have to decide what to eat on a daily basis rather than to
shed weight. The world is full of
too many tasty options so I prefer to just be told what to eat. Most recently I finished a 6-month
stint of The 4 Hour Body; a diet that promises you’ll lose 20 pounds in 30 days
while working out 4 hours each month.
The author doesn’t claim to be a medical doctor or PhD, but he did weigh
his *** for a while so he clearly knows more about weight loss than I do. He claims all you have to do is eat
meat, vegetables, and beans for every meal and nothing else. This was pretty easy to follow but the
increased legume intake can lead to domestic disgust.
This diet did well for me until my brain said “screw you” and subconsciously
forced me on a month long pasta binge putting me just slightly better than when
I had started.
Now that the nice weather is over and the sun is heading south
for the winter I’m content with letting things go for a bit. I think I’ll just buy bigger sweatpants
and occasionally I’ll exercise through osmosis by watching The Biggest Loser,
the first show named after the people who watch it.
One avenue homeowners can take when selling their home is to get a buyer to take on their mortgage. This act of assuming a homeowner's loan is fittingly called an assumable mortgage.
If the lender which supplied the original homeowner with their loan is agreeable to a buyer assuming that loan, the purchase can be approved. Lenders generally require a credit review of the new borrower, and may charge a fee for the assumption.
An assumable mortgage can help you attract buyers if you sell your home, especially if the interest rate on the assumable mortgage is less than current interest rates.
One avenue homeowners can take when selling their home is to get a buyer to take on their mortgage. This act of assuming a homeowner's loan is fittingly called an assumable mortgage.
If you want to sell your home with an assumable mortgage, you need to make sure you obtain an assumable loan when you obtain your home loan originally. Your home mortgage is either assumable or it is non-assumable. Assumable loans have traditionally been available from the FHA or VA. If you're unsure whether your loan is assumable, you can contact your mortgage servicer.
Has your home become too much of a financial burden? If you owe more on your home than what it's worth in today's market and can no longer afford your mortgage payments, don't assume that you're destined to have your home go into foreclosure. Whether you want to stay in your home or leave it, there are options available to you.
It's best to avoid foreclosure, if possible. A foreclosure is the legal process where a mortgage company obtains ownership of a home after the homeowner fails to make payments and has violated the terms of their mortgage. There are several negative consequences to foreclosure, including eviction and damaged credit, both of which can impact the former homeowner's ability to rent or buy a new home for several years.
If you've decided that you want to leave your home, there are a couple of different options that will help you avoid some of the negative consequences of foreclosure. First, you can try to sell your home as a short sale. A short sale happens when a home's sales price is insufficient to pay off the total mortgage(s), closing costs and any other lien balances owed on the home. A short sale will eliminate or reduce your remaining mortgage debt, and you may be eligible for relocation assistance. By undergoing a short sale, you'll typically start repairing your credit sooner than if you go through a foreclosure.
A foreclosure is the legal process where a mortgage company obtains ownership of a home after the homeowner fails to make payments and has violated the terms of their mortgage.
With real estate agents who specialize in selling short sales, Edina Realty has the expertise to guide you through this oftentimes complex transaction. We can help you determine whether you might qualify for a short sale and protect your interests as a seller. Learn more about selling a short sale home.
Another option is a deed-in-lieu of foreclosure, which is when you transfer the ownership of your property to the owner of your mortgage in exchange for a release for your loan and payments. Mortgage servicers and investors observe their own guidelines under the federal requirements to determine how to implement the program. For more information about your options, contact your mortgage servicer.
If you want to stay in your home, there are other resources available to you. The government has a program called Home Affordable Modification Program (HAMP) that allows some homeowners to have their mortgage modified to more affordable terms.
Regardless of the option you choose, every lender's standards are unique when it comes to foreclosure and foreclosure alternative programs. If you are having trouble paying your mortgage, contact your lender to see which options might best fit your needs. The sooner you contact your lender, the more options will be available to you.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Edina Realty is not associated with the government, and our service is not approved by the government or your lender. Even if you accept this offer and use our service, your lender may not agree to change your loan
The number of housing starts increased in September to a seasonally adjusted annual rate of 658,000 units, according to a recent report by the Commerce Department.
The agency reported that U.S. housing starts increased 15 percent from the previous month and 10.2 percent from September 2010. Single-family home starts, which make up 70 percent of all housing starts, increased 1.7 percent over the previous month. However, they were down 4.9 percent from the same time last year.
"Today's numbers are very welcome evidence that builders are putting some crews back to work on single-family homes in select markets where economic conditions are improving," said Bob Nielsen, chairman of the National Association of Home Builders.
September home starts in the Midwest increased 9.3 percent from August, which is good news for Minnesota real estate.
According to the report, September home starts in the Midwest increased 9.3 percent from August, which is good news for Minnesota real estate well as real estate in western Wisconsin and eastern North Dakota. This increase could mean an improving economy and a stabilizing housing market in the region.
I’m a very reliable person. So it was no surprise to me when I was asked to be the responsible adult to drive and look after a surgery outpatient that I so happened to marry many years ago. What was a surprise to me was how hard it was to pass the time while waiting for the surgery to be done.
I was actually excited to spend some time in the waiting room. It was the perfect excuse to turn on my “out of office” auto-reply and dig into a real page-turner.
So there I was, getting into some real good character development, when I had to take my first break to figure out why on Earth the older gentleman sitting next to me insisted on clearing his throat every 20 seconds. It was a classic case of “dad-noises.” Every dad has some specific sound he makes for the sole purpose of annoying his children. Some go with the extra loud yawn; others try to suck food out of their teeth. This guy was a throat clearer, and it totally consumed me.
Questions raced through my head. Is it helping anything? Is that why he’s getting surgery? Does his wife not notice? Can he market himself to fraternities as the world’s most annoying drinking game?
Now my auditory senses were on high, and I started noticing all the sounds around me – specifically the music that I confirmed was piped throughout the whole surgery center. The first song was the 1968 gem “Stand By Your Man,” followed up by Patsy Cline’s “I Fall to Pieces.” So in the middle of all this high-tech gadgetry was music you’d expect to hear when you open the door to a townie bar with a dirt floor and everyone turns their heads at you when you walk in.
Then my head had more questions: Who chose this music? Is it the surgeon’s choice? Is my dad operating on my wife? Has my wife ever noticed my dad is a food-in-tooth sucker?
I had to get out of the waiting room and explore the hospital, stat.
I made my way to the pharmacy and was waiting for a prescription to be filled when off in the distance I spied a gift shop that would certainly serve as a fine time-killer. I have (yet another) quirk – I have to buy souvenir T-shirts whenever they’re offered, and it has grown in to a full-blown addiction. I have to go out of my way in any city I’m in to find a shirt to prove I’ve been in Faribault.
So I hurried myself to the gift shop and was looking around for the T-shirt section when I realized I was an idiot standing in the middle of a medical supply store trying to act naturally. The nice employee, knowing that people only go into medical supply stores for very specific reasons, asked if she could help me find anything. To which I promptly responded, “No thanks, I’m just browsing.”
I might as well have just said, “No, just wanted to check out the latest and greatest in the bedside drainage industry.” Or, “No, I just always like to take a peek at leg-bag systems whenever afforded the opportunity.”
I hung around for a few minutes to make it appear that I didn’t actually expect to find a souvenir T-shirt at a medical building and then bolted back to the waiting room to serve my penance for my dunderheadedness.
There's no feeling quite like buying your first home. While you'll certainly have many unique questions, you can rely on the following guide as you undergo the exciting process of buying your first home.
1. Determine what's important to you
Do you want a contemporary condo, or a house in the suburbs with a big yard? Consider what's important to your lifestyle – do you need a good school district? Do you want to be within walking distance of a grocery store or park? Last, consider how long you're expecting to stay in your house.
2. Meet with a mortgage consultant
By meeting with an Mortgage consultant, you can explore your financing options and get pre-approved for a loan. A preapproval is a written letter from your lender that tells you, real estate agents and home sellers how much you can borrow, and that you have acceptable credit. It can improve your negotiating power as sellers will know you are serious about buying a home, and it may make your offer more attractive among multiple bidders.
Your REALTOR® will be an invaluable guide, providing insight and expertise as you undergo paperwork, inspections, price negotiations and closing details.
3. Start the home search
Surely, this is the most fun part! Begin looking online for properties that interest you. Get a better feel for the type of home you're looking for, and in what area and price range.
4. Hire a REALTOR®
Edina Realty has been first in our market eleven years in a row. By hiring an Edina Realty REALTOR®, you can be sure you're hiring the best in the business.
When choosing a REALTOR®, the most important rule is to select someone you feel comfortable with. Your REALTOR® will be an invaluable guide, providing insight and expertise as you undergo paperwork, inspections, price negotiations and closing details.
5. Find the right home
Using your preliminary online searches as a starting point, begin touring properties with your REALTOR® to get a feel for what's out there. Once you've found the right home, work with your REALTOR® to present an offer to the seller. Counter-offers are common, so be prepared to negotiate on price, closing date, and appliances or needed repairs.
After you've agreed upon the offer with the seller, your bank or mortgage company will order an appraisal on the property.
6. Don't forget about the last details
You'll need to do just a few more things before you get the keys to your new home.
- Hire a professional inspector to look the place over for potential pitfalls.
- Buy homeowner's insurance.
- Do a walkthrough with your REALTOR® to ensure that everything you negotiated is indeed intact.
- At closing you'll need to bring your down payment, social security number and personal identification.
Congrats - you've made the leap to homeowner!
The other day I caught myself doing something that the
younger me would be embarrassed to learn that this is what he turns in to.
I actually went out of my way on a busy day to go to my
not-so-favorite Wal-Mart to buy hummingbird nectar for my new hummingbird
feeder.
“What’s the big deal?”
You ask.
“All the hip kids are in to Hummingbirds these days”, you
declare.
Duh, I respond.
Anybody who knows anything about ornithology knows that Hummingbirds are
tearing up the 30 something demographic right now. The big deal isn’t what I was buying but rather the fact
that I used the nectar as an excuse to test out the new Highway 21 shortly
after it opened last week.
I drove straight pass a Target store, a fine retailer of all
things ornithology, then kept driving by highway 18 just so I could see what
new concrete looks like on my way to buying sugar water for the cutest little
birds you’ll ever see.
The day it opened, I received 10 texts, emails, facebook
thingys etc letting me know that the road was finally open. To summarize, a road opened in Shakopee and the whole town of
Prior Lake was atwitter. And just
like I hate hearing what happened on Dancing With The Stars before seeing it
myself, I had to make it a point to check out this new road firsthand. Apparently, we need more to look
forward to in Prior Lake.
For 2 years I have been awaiting the opening of the new
section of Highway 21. At first it
was because I had been spreading rumors that Trader Joe’s was coming to town
when the road was complete so I was kind of hoping the project would get put on
hold so I wouldn’t have to answer the calls from the duped. I still maintain that Trader Joe’s is
considering it.
Now for the past year I’ve just been excited to get the road
open so the blood would stop shooting out of my ears every time I drove on
Highway 18 and tried to figure out which lane I was supposed to be in and how
it was all going to come together in the end.
So there I was finally turning north on Highway 21 two long
weeks after the glamorous ribbon cutting ceremony.
Oooh, look at that nice big sidewalk.
Aaah, look at that view. So serene!
Oooh, a nice new stoplight too. Much better than the kind that hangs on strings like at 42
and 13.
Aaah, crap! There goes Wal-Mart and I’m on my way to Bloomington with no
u-turn in sight.
Evidently I was so excited for this road on a sub-conscious
level that my brain wanted me to see it from both directions that day. So I took a quick tour of Bloomington,
very pretty this time of year by the way, and headed back for Wal-Mart.
It was 5:00 PM by the time I was back on 18 headed south and
it was interesting to see that nothing had changed from before the new road
opened. There was a long backup at
the light to stay on Highway 18 and just a few cars were zipping straight on to
Highway 21.
I did some investigating and found that the morning commute
hasn’t improved all that much either.
So why would someone go through all the trouble to open this
new highway that makes life easier for few? And just who is behind this
American Recovery and Reinvestment Act?
Well I emailed Trader Joe’s to find out and they had “No
Comment”. That’s not actually what
they said. In fact, they haven’t
technically responded to the weird guy from the small town that got overly
excited about a new road i.e. me, but if they did, I bet that is what they’d
say.
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Ever since sending in the registration for various baby
purchases we have been receiving a different parenting magazine every day. Emily swears she didn’t order them but
for some reason we can’t seem to part with Mount Magazine that is growing under
our coffee table. I thumbed
through these magazines the other night only to find out that Parenting,
Parents, and American Baby magazines all agree: I am a horrible parent.
I think it was the Thanksgiving 2009 issue of Parents
Magazine that had an article on how to keep your baby safe during the holiday
season. And sure enough I found
childproofing tips in all the other publications as well.
Apparently, if you don’t have a lock, cover, cushion, clamp,
brace, or gate for anything in your home that opens, closes, slides, or exists
for the sole purpose of taunting your child then you are doing parenthood wrong
and you should be ashamed.
Before Campbell started crawling we had some houseguests for
a weekend in the form of a 1-year-old girl and her mom, a devout follower of
parenting advice magazines. During
this short stay we realized how bad of parents we are. We have ridiculously long cords for our
blinds, dog food, a DVD player with buttons, electrical outlets, and pictures
of our family in plain sight.
By the end of their stay every lamp, book, decoration, and coaster
that we insist our daughter keep her hands off had made it’s way to higher
ground so that this curious child that is old enough to understand ‘no’
wouldn’t accidentally concuss herself with a picture of my grandma.
To ease tensions around the house we went out and bought
some outlet covers while she was in town so her daughter could survive our
house and apparently all the small metal objects just lying around waiting to
be jabbed in to our outlets.
With new outlet covers we were finally on our way to being
good parents until the very first day Campbell started to crawl and ripped the
first outlet cover out that she saw and tried to put said small plastic life
saver in her mouth. I had to use a
screwdriver, pliers, and act of congress to pull an outlet cover off so I could
vacuum once but apparently if you are a 1-year-old that has been staring at
that thing for 6 months while waiting to learn to crawl you have time to devise
a plan of attack. And the
one cover I did finally pry off also ended up in Campbell’s mouth. Thankfully, I can now vacuum at a
moment’s notice to my heart’s content.
We also tried to coexist with the cabinet locks that were
installed by our home’s previous owner.
They are perfect for teaching Campbell what it feels like to slam her
fingers in a door since she doesn’t quite have the faculties to know to let go
when the door she is pulling on stops abruptly and her momentum sends the door
with fingers inside crashing back to the closed position. I’ve fallen victim to this before as
well which has increased the range of vocabulary my daughter gets to hear me
mutter. So, aside from our drawer
I call “Things that cut things” which contains every knife, peeler, corer and
slap chopper, we are doing away with our cabinet security measures.
Maybe being brought up by 2 bad parents that expected me to
listen and follow rules is where I get the notion that my child doesn’t have to
be wrapped in that popping bubble wrap 24 hours a day to stay safe. Although, that would be awesome to have
that much bubble wrap lying around.
Truthfully, I understand that there are some common sense
precautions everyone should take and I know not everyone can keep as close an
eye on their children as we collectively can right now. But there has to be line drawn
somewhere. Children need to be
taught what is ok and what isn’t.
And they need to learn that it sucks to bump your head or pinch your
fingers and life is so much more enjoyable if you can avoid said
situations.
I always had access to the pots and pans, the refrigerator,
and unlocked toilet seats unless I was told otherwise. I shudder to think of the additional
complexes I would have today if my formative years were spent not being able to
trust a toilet seat to be unlocked when it was needed.
A recent interaction I had with a repairman at my house kind of illustrates my life up to this point.
I was working from home while waiting for the last guy to come
through and sign off on the repairs when the doorbell rang. I greeted
the man warmly and confirmed his reason for being on my doorstep and
invited him into my home so he could get his job done.
He then hesitated briefly and asked, “Is your mom or dad here?”
I was thrown off guard and just assumed he knew my parents from my
last name. You know, because the Gores surname is as ubiquitous as Smith
or Johnson. Who doesn’t know a Martin Gores? Alas, I did tell him that
my parents were in fact not present. He then went on to explain their
policy of not entering homes unless someone 18 or older is present.
The rest of our visit was a little awkward.
To be fair, I was wearing a baseball cap backward at the time, which
no 30-year-old should ever do, and I hadn’t yet shaved that morning, so a
couple of my facial hair patches might have been visible. Maybe I was
disguised as a little younger than 30 years old, but this guy thought he
was talking to a 16-year-old boy home on summer vacation.
I’ve been young for my age for as long as I can remember, and these kinds of things happen to me daily.
I remember even back in the seventh or eighth grade choir (required),
Mrs. Hoeg placed me all the way at the end of the boys’ section, which
is funny because that just happens to be right where the girls’ section
started standing. Even my voice was young for my age. There was nothing
more frustrating than answering the phone countless times and having
people just jump into conversation thinking they were talking to my mom.
Nowadays, I get carded any time I want to buy an adult beverage, and
if I’m meeting someone for the first time I have to tackle them to get
them to notice me because they were “expecting somebody older.”
To which I bite my tongue to refrain from responding, “Oh that’s OK, I was expecting somebody smarter.”
It might sound like I’m complaining about having an appearance
younger than I actually am – that’s because that’s exactly what I’m
doing. My biggest fear is that I will be getting carded all my life.
Right now it’s for Powerball tickets and Budweiser, but later in life I
may be getting carded to prove my AARP status and get cheaper movie
tickets.
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I feel that appearing your true age has many advantages. You are
taken more seriously than your younger likeness and, for the most part,
treated more politely. Sales people will actually approach you in
shopping stores. Fashion rules start to get thrown out the window, and
personal eccentricities are met with greater tolerance.
I will admit that there are times when it’s nice to be perceived as
younger than you actually are. Like, for instance, when you’re acting
younger than you actually are, and it just appears that you're acting
your age rather than being immature. And if someone catches you rocking
out to KDWB with your car windows down at a stoplight, they don’t even
think twice.
I guess if forced to answer the never-asked question, “Would you
prefer to be mistaken for a younger person or looking like a true
30-year-old?” I would have to respond, “What does a 30-year-old look
like?”
I’m 30 and I look a lot like me. I don’t think I look any younger
than any other average 30-year-old. I have wrinkles coming in and hair
going out. I just know where to look. So aside from my facial hair
deficiency and the fact that I put my pants on both legs at the same
time, I’m just like any other 30-year-old trying to finally graduate to
the adult table at Thanksgiving and legally allow repairmen to enter my
own home without a permission slip.
This mustached fireplace didn't even see me coming...
That's a shadow face on that garage door, I don't care what you say. Once you see it you won't see anything else.
On August 1st, 2008 text-messaging, emailing or accessing
the Web on a wireless device while driving in Minnesota (including while
stopped in traffic) became illegal and since then several states have been
following in the same steps.
However, and thankfully, it still seems perfectly legal to
write thank you notes, Q-tip my ears, and eat sushi while driving with my
knees.
It has been tough for me to give up texting while
driving. Thankfully, I hung on to
my pager from high school so I can still receive messages in the form of
numbers that look like words. For
instance, when all my friends hit me up with a 07734, all I have to do is turn
my beeper upside down and read the word HELLO. I don’t know whom it is from but it least helps fight the
urge to text until I get out of the car.
It’s kind of like those e-cigarettes or using baseball season to tide me
over until Hawkeye Football.
I’m sure the texting ban has already had a tremendous impact
on the one-way numeric pager industry.
The spread of the ban on texting while driving points to how
wide spread a modem for conversation texting has become. Texting clearly is not just for
teenagers anymore, although maybe it should be.
I received a text the other night from someone that finally
made the leap to a smartphone and was experimenting with her first text
messages. Naturally, I had to mess with her and pretend I was the King of
Nigeria. She eventually
figured me out and responded, “Should have known.” Or so she thought. The message I actually received was,
“Anus jab known.” That’s
what happens when people over 30 try to get fancy with their texts. It turns out she was trying to save
0.03 seconds by typing SHUD in place of SHOULD and her phone just assumed she
was going for ANUS and auto-corrected her. You can’t really blame the phone for making that
assumption. Now she has to suffer the consequences
of dealing with a person like me that can’t ever let anything down. Any response I give to a text from her
now has to include the word anus.
-Can we bring anything over tonight?
-No. We anus
jab enough snacks.
Even my mom has been texting for a few years now. She was pretty hard to understand in
the beginning, as well, but now she is pretty much an expert in her mind. She just has one small problem that I
doubt she even realizes (until now) how much joy it brings to my day. Anytime my mom tries to text a question
it comes through with an exclamation point instead of a question mark. So instead of a simple question like,
“You guys are going to happy hour?” it comes through as a scathing demand and I
like to read them out loud in a similar yet slightly exaggerated tone. “You
guys are going to happy hour! RAWR! And if you don’t I’ll disown you.”
I don’t know if it is because she needs bigger buttons,
longer arms, or just to be publicly mocked so she regains the will to
care.
I know you are thinking, “Sure it’s easy for this guy to sit
back with his word processor and poke fun at people’s text messaging.” And you
are right, it is easy. It also
helps that I am awesome at a lot of things and take great pride in my texting
abilities.
I am such a good texter that I actually drive better when
I’m texting. I’ll admit though
that I am starting to see signs of my own aging when I am texting while
driving. For some reason, I have
to turn the radio down before I can send a text. That part I don’t mind. What sucks is 20 minutes after I send the text I finally
realize I have had the radio off ever since.
I know that texting while driving is very dangerous and I
anus not do it. I almost always
text when I am stopped at a stoplight.
I know that is still not right because I can’t pay attention to the traffic
signals at the same time but thankfully there is almost always someone behind
me that does that for me.
Getting old sucks...
Saw this in a house on tour today. Worst part about this is that he still forgot his cane.